“…Do not let me feel so contradicted…”
This is something that tends to regularly surface in my prayers and conversations with God. Sadly sometimes I am not even really sure what I mean. Can you be so contradicted that you literally can’t comprehend it? If so then I am certain I have arrived there. I found this rocky shore and set up camp a long time ago. I don’t know when I will leave because honestly I do not know if I have chosen this place or it has chosen me. I am sure there are more lessons to be learned here. More answers to be found buried deep in the sand or under rocks waiting to be turned over.
This place is a curse and a comfort.
I think we all long for safe places and I think this is a safe place for me. A safe place from failure, faith, and family. A safe place from being authentic and transparent. A safe place that scares the Hell out of me.
I long for community but I recluse from it.
I long for transparency but I wear a mask.
I long to walk waves but I can not seem to loosen my grip on this boat.
I want my life to radiate the love of Christ but I keep talking about him like He is not even in the room.
I want to see people enter into the Kingdom but I am to concerned with my own Castle.
I am not there yet. I do not have my crap together. I know it is okay though because the one who holds all things together holds me. I find solace in the truth that “He who started a good work in you(me) is faithful to see it to completion.” And I find comfort in this place because I hear the Gospel in the sounds of these waves clawing at this rocky shore.